Trying to Conceive After Loss

Trying to conceive after loss is something I never thought about having to do.  After 8 months of trying everything I could think of to get pregnant, the day came.  I saw 2 pink lines on that pregnancy test that had been starch white so many times.  I proceeded to take 10 more just to make sure.  I almost couldn’t believe it.  I was pregnant.  Holy shit, I did it.  Not really hearing how common miscarriage was , I just assumed I had a healthy baby in there.  That was until I saw the first sign of blood.  After an emotional rollercoaster of a few weeks, seeing our baby’s heartbeat and having hope, our baby died and I miscarried.  This post isn’t meant to talk about the immense physical and emotional pain of miscarrying and losing a baby, that’s a whole other topic, but the emotional pain of trying to conceive after miscarrying.  It fucking sucks.  A lot.  Trying to get pregnant again doesn’t replace the baby I lost.  I’m still healing from that loss.  Trying to conceive a new baby and the baby I lost have nothing to do with each other. 

After getting my first period after my miscarriage (which was physically brutal-another thing I had no idea about), I realized I had to start this whole ttc journey over again.  Wtf.  I was mad.  I was bitter.  I regathered all my ttc supplies to prepare for my cycles ahead.  Nobody tells you that getting pregnant can feel like a full time job.  Every time I get my period is just a pure feeling of defeat.  I failed, again.  I know I shouldn’t think that way, but I do.  Every starch white pregnancy test I take is just a reminder that I had that second line.  I was pregnant, and now I’m not.  The negative pregnancy tests never get any easier to see.  They just don’t.  Trying to conceive after loss is brutal.  There is no other way to put it.  The thoughts race…what if I can’t get pregnant again?  Is it going to take another 8 months?  What am I doing wrong?  Am I going to have to go to a fertility doctor?  Should I make an appointment now?  Or should I just keep trying?  Am I going to need IVF?  Will I ever have a baby?  People tell me to relax and it will happen.  Sure,  I’ll go do that.  I’ll relax after I wake up at 4:30 am everyday to take my basal body temp, after I take my ovulation test every morning,  try to pinpoint the exact ovulation day, research what vitamins and supplements may help me conceive, try to schedule baby dancing on the exact right day while trying to make it not feel like a job, going to baby shower’s, meeting new babies, first birthday parties, and holidays.  Tell me to relax one more time.  “At least you know you can get pregnant”.  Knowing I can get pregnant doesn’t bring my baby back.  It also doesn’t help every time I see a negative pregnancy test or get my period.  Every time someone asks me “do you have kids?”  I think about giving the long winded answer for a second- “yes, but my baby died and now I’m trying to get pregnant again with no success yet and it’s consuming every ounce of energy I have”.  But I just reply with a simple “no”.  I know these comments aren’t malicious, but I can’t help but wonder if they ever had to try to conceive after miscarriage.  I even had a total stranger tell me I better have a baby soon because I’m not getting any younger.  I wonder if anyone feels the way I do.  “Maybe I’m just being crazy”.  I sure do feel like I’m going crazy sometimes. 

Everything feels like a trigger. It doesn’t make it any easier when you don’t have many people to talk to that get it. There are so many days I slap a smile on my face and act like I’m fine, even though my mind is racing. If I showed my real feelings all the time I would probably look like I was losing it. Then I think of how many others who try to conceive after loss and/or going through infertility may be faking that same smile, we just don’t know it. We shouldn’t have to hide being upset. This process is hard. Some people may just not get it, and that’s okay. It’s not their fault. But there are people who get it. I get it. I wanted to build this community for you to know that you’re not alone. You’re not crazy to feel a certain way. I get it, and there are so many others that get it too. And we are all here for you.

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My name is Kerri and welcome to Love Today Now! I am so happy to have you here. This blog was created to inspire you to find what makes your heart beat, light up the world, and most importantly…love today now. If you want to learn more about how I got here Read More

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